Monday, April 19, 2010

Happy 5th Birthday, Jackie.






As I write this, it's been about 5 years and two hours since Jack came into out lives. We had a great weekend of birthday celebrations, including a trip today to Disneyland (pics yet to come) and I am wiped, but I wanted to get this posted tonight.

Over those five years I have written a lot about Jack. It's really amazing to look at him today and think, five years. Five years! (You can revisit that day here, if you like, almost every hour of it!)

To say that our lives are immeasurably richer for having Jack would be to commit a criminal act of understatement. Quite simply, 5 years ago today, I can say with all honesty, was the greatest day of my life.

Genevieve has just gone off to bed and before she did we reflected on how fortunate we are to have Jack, and how if all we have to point at and say "I did this right!" in our lives is raising Jack to be a sensitive, kind, intelligent little boy who thinks for himself -- we've done the most important thing in the world. It goes without saying, he's coming along just fine.

We also reflected on the fact that it's been five years -- and how short that time now seems, viewed through that strange, distorting lens called hindsight. And I was reminded of one of the most useful things anyone ever said to me.

I was atop the Pacific Design Center in Beverly Hills with Joe O'Brien, my dear friend of decades now. HBO's Emmy reception -- catered by Joe's restaurant group -- raged beneath us, a sea of glamorous stars, lush decor, dancers and DJs. We relaxed and had a cigar and a beer in relative peace.

I marveled to Joe: "Remember 15 years ago, when we were floating on our asses in tidal pools up on Prince Edward Island at 3 in the morning, drinking beers, listening to music, watching the fishing fleets sail out before dawn? Did you ever imagine then that we'd be sitting on top of a building in Beverly Hills during a huge star studded Emmy event smoking cigars?"

Joe replied, "I don't think about that much. I think about where we're going to be 15 years from now, looking back on this."

When I am having a hard day -- when my job is not what I want it to be, when the immediate future looks a little dim, or downright dire -- it's great to think about that.

And today, when I think about Jack: how amazing he is, how much joy and laughter and love he brings into my life. How very much I love him, in ways even a wordy bastard like me can never express, so much that it hurts, in the best way it could. How much I have learned about life, priorties, what is really important in five years.

This fall Jack will go to kindergarten and transition from being a pre-schooler to a "big kid." Or at least, a big "little kid."

What will I be thinking back on in 2015? 2030? How much different will he be? Will I be? How will he defy my expectations, demand the best I can give without ever realizing it? How will having him in my life make me grow and change?

The thing about being a parent is -- and no matter what you think, you will never get this until you are one -- your kid will probably never have the same incredible, unconditional, never-ending love that you have for him or her. You'll have, if you are lucky (and I am pleased to say we have been very lucky) a very warm and loving and special relationship, but there is a certain kind of emotional capacity that sort of becomes enabled when you become a mom or dad -- I've written and spoken on this many times before -- that is deep, abiding, and incredibly powerful and positive.

Your parents, whatever your issues with them, had it for you in most cases or I hope at least one of them did (i don't mean to glibly dismiss those with truly awful, tragic family backgrounds, you have my sympathy). So many things that puzzled you about being a kid in terms of stuff your parents did become so much more clear when you have your own kid, even if it is stuff you would never do in your own parenting for whatever reason. You just understand the motivation, the deep and profound feelings that become the most important ones in your emotional makeup.

So I know Jack -- loving and sweet as he is -- will probably never have the same kind of deep and focused feeling for us that we have as his parents. But when he has his own kids, assuming he does, I hope he comes back to this website in whatever format it might exist in that future time and finds these words.

Jack, my dear, sweet boy, I love you in ways I did not know I was capable of for more than 40 years. You are always in my heart and your mom's every minute of the day, above all else in the world, and there will never be anything that comes between us that love will not see us through. If I ever fail you, know that is is my own frailty and not what I would ever want to do. If we get on your nerves, cramp your style, try to guide you when guidance is the last thing you want from us, or embarrass you as only old people you love can, know that everything we do related to you comes from a place where there is nothing but love and a wish for your life to be as fulfilling as you can possibly make it.




And I'll just leave with these deceptively simple words from Bruce Springsteen.

Well now down below and pullin' on my shirt
Yeah I got some kids of my own
Well if I had one wish for you in this god forsaken world, kid
It'd be that your mistakes will be your own
That your sins will be your own.




3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great to see you're all so happy and things work out!
Thanks for keeping us posted, Mike! Your eloquence and observations are great. It feels like I know Jack even though I've never met him in person. Looking forward to the moment I can...
All the best,
"Dutch Uncle" Hans ;-)

Michael said...

Hans, great to hear from you, I was just thinking about you the other day. Gimme a shout if you ever make it out to the left coast.
Cheers
Mike

Elizabeth McTear said...

This was beautiful to read. You and Genevieve have definitely done a wonderful job raising Jack. He's so funny and sweet and has such an amazing imagination! I love being able to read this blog and learn all about what an incredible little boy he's become.